What is one thing you would change about yourself?

The narrative explores the life of “Z,” who faces early challenges that shape his identity and self-perception. Harsh punishments and feelings of inferiority lead him to introspection and daydreaming. During a chance encounter, he reflects on his fears of failure, expressing a desire to change his timidness and embrace life’s imperfections, emphasizing continuous personal growth.

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Since birth, a child starts learning, and even in the mother’s womb, the fetus picks up impulses and information that help him shape the future course of events and learning. Genetic information passes on through parents, but it settles down to get imprinted and become an integral part of the psyche.

It is still not clear what the first impression of an infant is about the world around them when he opens his eyes to this strange world. One can only imagine it according to one’s perception of the world. As the infants grow, they pick up experiences. The bright-coloured objects lure him, and he tries to touch, feel and taste them. Gradually, surroundings leave impressions of various kinds on the minds during infancy and childhood that shape the baby and prepare it to fight against impending odds. The formative years, the time when a baby grows and picks up experiences, are crucial in ascertaining the path of life.

Like other children, he also passed through this all. “He” is the central character of my narration. Furthermore, “He” will be referred to as “Z” for the convenience of our conversation.

After 03, “Z” comprehend the incidents, and his brain was capable of analyzing the situation. “Z” had started retaining things in the mind. With age, he started receiving punishments, too, which grew severe. The severity and duration of his punishment proportionately increased and he started receiving them often.

Punishments, sometimes harsh, made him dumb and slow. His reflexes were not sharp making him unresponsive. This affected his studies, which were considered most important in the time of “Z”. Passing a class with excellent marks used to be the guarantee of being a good boy. He, though, was not a good or meritorious boy who never succeeded in getting good marks despite his best (?) efforts. He remained a mediocre student. A feeling of inferiority complex and latent fear crept into his psyche. He became an introvert and daydreamer. “Z” imagined he easily defeated ruffians or topped examinations. This caused him to sink more in his imaginary marsh bog to the extent that he would feel asphyxiation.

There was none with whom he shared his condition, nor was the environment congenial and sympathetic. The mental trauma did not matter to anyone at the time. The duty of parents was limited to providing food, shelter and clothes to their children. They would boast about it arrogantly among their contemporaries, blaming “Z” for his ostensible incompetency. His peers too, behaved according to the custom of the time. “Z” dealt with these complications as he grew up, to the extent that they became a significant part of his identity. This was reflected in his day-to-day life. He did not share his difficulty with anyone, silently suffering, suffocating and at times repenting and cursing himself. He was incapable of getting out of his mental convolution.

He never felt the ecstasy of success. Life rolled listlessly without noticeable twists and turns. He was physically healthy and mentally sane as per the norm of society. His internal hollowness was no one’s concern, nor should it be.

Repeated non-successes made him retreat in himself. He often would introspect to find his fault for the failures. He would try hard to overcome the plight but not succeed. He has had no clue how to overcome his repeated failures. One thing that “Z” had and still has is his willingness to try something new, something that can differentiate him from the crowd. He hasn’t left the hem of optimism.

I had a phantasmagoric experience. While wandering in a local park, I came across a person who was engrossed deep inside himself, sitting alone on a bench. His face appeared familiar. I approached him, calling him softly. “Z”, I said to him. He lifted his face as if awakened from a slumber. He looked at me, and soon, with a grin, he said, “Yes,” and extended his hand for a handshake. After exchanging pleasantries, we conversed while peregrinating. We talked about every topic we used to converse about. Suddenly, a Crow Pheasant came to perch on a tree near us. It came down on the ground, searching for something to eat and hopping. “Z” became silent and started watching the bird. I found that his enthusiasm has not waned. His aquiline nose with broad forehead were unchanged. His dense straight hair had become thin, and baldness was peeping. Fine lines were seen deepening, and the face was becoming saggy. Greying hair was striving to show themselves amidst dyed hair. He continued watching the bird, trailing it for long. His childlike curiosity was pleasant to see. “Look, how gracefully it is hopping!” He said happily. I found in him a lively individual who, despite all odds, has strived to keep his creativity and enthusiasm intact.

I raised my eyes. The azure sky with patches of fluffy clouds and intermittent flocks of flying herons in a ‘V’ shaped formation was mesmerizing. The sun was going down the horizon and shadows were becoming elongated. The environment was pleasant.

He was looking at me. I asked him if he had any grudges. “Yes”, his candid confession startled me. His honesty was still intact. Continuing further, he said, “After so much experience and having spent a large chunk of life, I have come to understand that we can’t expect a life without flaws, spick and span.” While he was speaking, his teeth gleamed. I asked him, “Do you wish to change something in you?”

Nodding in affirmation, he slowly but firmly said, “Yes”. I found him full of confidence and resolve. “I would love to shred my timidness and fear of negation.” Continuing the conversation he said, “I was afraid of criticism and failure that made me afraid of unknown things.” After a brief pause, looking at the horizon he said, “People are not concerned about you. They judge. It is our inner conscious which guides us in thick and thin of time. Expecting help is futile, still, we should accept it with thanks if it comes.”

I looked at him. He seemed a different person, confident and positive. Has he been changed or he adjusted himself to the need of time. I leave it on my readers to decide. Please tell me how you feel about it. Comment your thoughts in the comment box.

The crepuscule was setting in. Looking at the setting sun, “Z” said, “Look at the setting crimson ball. It seems setting. It is, though, not. Instead, it is going away from our sight to rise again.” After a brief lull, he said further, “This is life. What seems an end is the beginning. We need to improve and evolve continuously. Mother Nature tells us by her deeds and shows us the way.” He concluded.

The surroundings started wrapping in silky darkness. We came out of the garden and went our ways with a promise to meet again.

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